Daf Yomi: Horiyos 10 -
11
Guest Author:
Rabbi Hershel D. Becker
Young Israel of Kendall,
FL
The Talmud tells us that
when the nations of the world heard the first mitzvos of the Aseres
HaDibros, the Decalogue, Anochi - I am your G-d, and Lo y'heeyeh l'cha -
You shall not have another G-d - they were skeptical. When they heard the
fifth commandment, honor thy father and mother, they took a fresh look at
these commandments and appreciated them (Kiddushin 31a).
Simply understood, the first mitzvos might appear to be self serving. It
was the fifth mitzvah that introduced honor for mortal partners in man's
creation: that affected the nations. If we analyze what the mitzvah
entails it could affect our entire approach to Torah and mitzvos and
certainly each other. Indeed, the Talmud brings, "It says, 'honor they
father and mother' and �honor HaShem� (Proverbs 3). This equates honoring
parents with the honoring of HaShem (Kiddushin 30b)�. The Maharsha notes
that even though the performance of the Mitzvah is different for parents
than for HaShem, the Torah's equation demonstrates the fact that by
honoring parents, one brings the honor of HaShem into the home. Chayei
Adam teaches that if someone aggravates a parent, HaShem says it is better
that I am not dwelling amongst them, for had I been with them, I would
have suffered the aggravation.
Sefer HaChinuch says, it is appropriate for a person to recognize and
extend kindness to his beneficiary and he should not be ungrateful, for
that is a despicable trait. One must recognize that his parents are the
reason and case for his being on this earth and therefore it is proper to
honor them and help them in every possible way. When one develops this
trait of Hakoras HaTov, recognizing the good, it will extend to recognize
the goodness of HaShem who is the source of his life, his parents lives
and all generations going back to Adam. HaShem gave him life, a body and a
G-dly soul; one should therefore give thought to how attentive one must be
in serving HaShem.
In theory, we could have many different definitions of what honoring a
parent means. In practice, what is the Mitzvah? "One must give food and
drink, dress and cover, bring in and take out" (Kiddushin 31b). The
mitzvah is to service and take care. This is the obligation regarding
one's actions. What about feelings? Is it acceptable to dislike one's
parents as long as the performance in deed is up to par?
The Chayei Adam states, "It is obvious that one must love his parents as
he loves himself for they are included in V'Ahavta L'rayacha Kamocha -
love thy neighbor as thyself. However, the love of parents exceeds that
level for it is associated with the love of HaShem. Honor is in thought,
action and speech�in his eyes and heart he must see them as
important�great and honorable, even though in the eyes of others they are
not important at all. This is the main element of honor. For if this is
not upheld, it states "in their mouth and lips they honor me but their
heart is far from me."
To explain this, let us refer to the mitzvah of revering parents. There
are two facets and two distinct mitzvos vis a vis parents, Kavod V'Yirah -
to honor and to revere. The Talmud states that one example of the mitzvah
of yirah - fear, is not to sit in a parents� designated seat. Why is this
so important? Imagine getting a tour of the royal palace. You have freedom
to roam throughout the king's domain. Would you consider sitting on the
throne? You understand that of all the places, that one is off limits.
Why? In deference to the king's position. In one's home one must treat
parents with the greatest respect and regard, as royalty. What the Chayei
Adam explains is that if the mitzvah were fulfilled in action only; that
would be falsehood. One must treat parents in highest esteem because they
should be held in highest esteem.
The Chayei Adam says that the mitzvos of a child to a parent are Piro'on
Chov - as payment toward an obligation. A child must pay the parents
tribute in recognition of all the good they bestowed upon him. He states
that included in this payment is a strong feeling of love. Just as his
parents bestowed love upon him, he in turn must love them without viewing
the relationship as a burden. If someone does not honor his parents, he is
called a rasha, an evil person, a title bestowed upon an individual who
receives from another and does not pay back.
This is fine if the parents were loving and benevolent towards their
child. What if the parents were not? If the parents were abusive, there is
discussion of the parameters of mitzvah. If the case was not extreme, but
the child was simply not a constant beneficiary, one should look at the
words of the Meshech Chachma for guidance. The Torah states, "Honor thy
father and mother as HaShem commanded". Why does the Torah say "as
commanded"? In the desert, raising children was not very demanding. Mana
and meat came from heaven, water from the special well, their clothing was
miraculously cleaned and preserved. Nevertheless, HaShem said to honor
your parents. Even though it is a mitzvah in recognition of their goodness
it does not mean that the parents necessarily have to be an endless source
of benevolence.
The Meshech Chachma relates this to spiritual matters as well. Children
must appreciate the fact that their parents led them on the right path and
transmitted the mitzvos and code of conduct down to them from generation
to generation. Yet, in the generation of Sinai, that was not the role of
parents alone. The children heard from the Al-Mighty without the need for
transmission of tradition from their parents and the Oral Law they heard
from Moshe. Despite the limited role of parents, at that time, in
spiritual matters, the Torah still commands honoring one's parents.
HaRav Chaim Shmulevitz in Sichos Musar points out that the mitzvah of
honoring parents is not fulfilled properly unless the child has great
reverence in his mind. A child should look at his parents and seek out
traits that the parent excels in more than anyone else and with that the
parent is viewed as the great of the generation. If he does not have these
feelings in the depths of his soul, even if he would feed, give to drink,
stand before and run for the parent, he did not fulfill the mitzvah.
He then takes this a step further and applies this concept to other
relationships as well. We learn, "The honor of your friend should be as
precious to you as your own". That is not meant to be a mandate for
behavior but rather, it should reflect one's true regard for others. Just
as one sees his own good qualities, so he should view others. The Torah is
not suggesting that one should act in falsehood. The Torah prescribes a
course of action. It is up to the individual to work on the feelings that
go along with that course of action. Via that approach, one can come to
the state that Klal Yisrael achieved at Har Sinai. The Torah says "VaYichan
Shom Yisrael Neged HaHar" - Yisrael camped facing the mountain. Rashi
observed that the word "camped" is written in the singular, even though it
refers to the multitudes of Israel which of course is plural. The singular
is used for they stood "K'Ish Echad B'Lev Echad" - as one person with one
heart.
A study of the mitzvah of honoring parents brings to us an awareness that
gratitude is essential. Just the fact that our parents brought us into
this world is reason enough for us to be grateful. We can understand that
this mitzvah could open one's eyes to come closer to HaShem. After hearing
this mitzvah, the nations of the world had a different perspective of
HaShem. As the Sefer HaChinuch says, "whatever good comes our way always
leads us back to the source - HaShem�.
