RECOGNIZING EXCELLENCE OR PROMOTING JEALOUSY?

"And Yisrael loved Yosef more than all his other sons, since he was a wise child and so he made Yosef an embroidered cloak."

This paternal act of overt favoritism, it's troubling, isn't it? Why favor one son over the other sons? And why give the favored son a special garment, the wearing of which would only make his unique status painfully obvious to the less favored brothers? Is there, perhaps, more to this story than meets the eye? Is there, perhaps, something positive to be had in making the less favored brothers aware of Yosef's special status? Surprisingly, the answer, at least according to the Sforno, is yes. According to the Sforno, there actually was something positive in highlighting Yosef's superiority

This show of favoritism, according to the Sforno, was the result of a conscious decision on Yaakov's part. Yaakov, cognizant of his own eventual demise, was intent on appointing one of his sons to be the next leader of the patriarchal religious movement. Yaakov knew that uncontested leadership was needed for the movement to survive. Movements bereft of strong leadership can and do disintegrate. The disintegration might have happened because of internal schisms, the disintegration might have happened because of external challenges, but the patriarchal dream and the family that carried that dream, could and, without a strong leader, would have disintegrated. To prevent such a calamity, a leader needed to be appointed. Yosef was to be that leader; Yosef was to be Yaakov's heir. The special garment was an unambiguous message about Yosef's developing role as Yaakov's posthumous heir.

Yosef's brothers understood. They realized that only one person could be chosen to don the leadership mantle; they accepted that Yosef was that one person. But to the brothers' alarm, Yosef began to look less and less like a concerned leader and more and more like an adversary. They watched Yosef being unduly attentive to his appearance. They listened as Yosef recounted grandiose dreams in which sheaves of wheat, the sun, the moon and the stars bow down to him. They understood that Yosef watched them, informing their father, if and when they veered somewhat off course. And finally, they saw Yosef wearing his leader's garment. Yosef, it seemed to them, was taking his role much too far. Yosef by acting differently, by talking differently and now by dressing differently, was doing more than leading; he was disconnecting, breaking ties with and rejecting the brothers that he was meant to work with. This was not the Yosef that they had once known.

It was all so frighteningly familiar, wasn't it? Within their very own family, brothers had been divided from one another twice before. Their great-grandfather Avraham Avinu had two sons. The chosen son, Yitzchak, was given the right to carry the mantle of his father's beliefs; the rejected son, Ishmael was cut loose from his heritage, expelled both physically and spiritually from the movement. Such sundering of familial ties carried over into the next generation as well. Yaakov received a blessing that designated him as heir to Avraham Avinu's heritage. Esav, the rejected brother, was condemned to a vastly different, far less spiritual fate; rejected and disconnected he was adrift without an anchor. It was obvious to the brothers, it was obvious to all; the results of fraternal division were always disastrous for the brother on the wrong divide.

The brothers were afraid. They were afraid that history was repeating itself, that family division and that fraternal banishment were on the horizon all over again. They were afraid of being banished from their heritage by a Yosef who seemed to be usurping the entire patriarchal legacy for himself. The jealousy, the apprehension and the resulting hate came together and caused the brothers to turn on Yosef.

But it didn't have to be that way. If not for the special garment, it seems, it would not have been that way. The Gemara warns us Le'olam al yeshane adam bein ha'banim, she'bishvil mishkal shnei selaim milas �niskanu bo achiv�"A man should never differentiate between his children for because of two coins worth of fine garment that Yaakov gave Yosef (in excess to his brothers), the brothers became jealous of Yosef and the matter resulted in eventual exile in Egypt" (Talmud Bavlee, Shabbos 10:).

The Gemara does not fault Yaakov for favoring Yosef with the leadership; appointing a leader was necessary. Nor does the Gemara emphasize Yosef's dreams. Dreams can carry profound messages; Yosef, the renowned interpreter of dreams, might have felt obligated to explore those messages. And the Gemara doesn't highlight that Yosef had informed on his brothers. Perhaps this was his responsibility as leader. None of these issues seem critical.

The Gemara mentions the special garment and only the garment. It was that special garment, too blatant, too visceral and too hurtful that spawned the enmity. If not for the garment, everything might have been different.

The message for those raising children is crystal clear. Different children have different areas of strength. And yes, is only fair to allow a more talented child to achieve as much as he or she can in his or her field of expertise. Nevertheless, we dare not drape our high achiever in a special garment. We dare not ask one sibling why he or she does not match up to the other sibling. We must make it absolutely clear that although all children are different, our love for all of them is the same. It is no easy matter. If an individual as extraordinary as Yaakov could stumble, we are certainly capable of stumbling as well. But we must try. It will take thought. It will take effort. But if the result is siblings who live harmoniously with one another then, rest assured, it will be thought and effort well spent.