Parshat Chayei Sarah

27 Cheshvan 5767
November 18, 2006

Daf Yomi: Bietzah 22

 

Guest Rabbi:     
Rabbi Shlomo Shulman
Associate Member, Young Israel Council of Rabbis 

Although the story of Avraham sending off his trusted servant, Eliezer, to find a bride for his son, Yitzchak, sounds quite old fashioned, many modern people wish it could be that easy today. Marriage has been taking a beating lately, administered mostly by the force of a society that is growing ever more hostile to it. But while skyrocketing divorce statistics are capturing headlines, a less familiar problem has been creeping up as well. A lot of people these days are having a very hard time finding suitable partners to marry in the first place.  

     We can relate to our patriarch Avraham’s dilemma better than we thought.

      Avraham had a problem. He had a thirty-seven year old son—smart, handsome, good income—but no maidel. We all know parents having the same trouble with their children. None of the local prospects quite fit the bill. What’s a concerned parent to do?

      Avraham was fortunate. He had a faithful servant, Eliezer, to head his search committee. Avraham sent out Eliezer, under oath, towards his master’s extended family in Charan, in pursuit of Yitzchak’s bashert.

      But how could Eliezer go about his search? He couldn’t exactly go looking for a nice Jewish girl, because there were no Jewish girls back then. Avraham, Sarah, and Yitzchak were it when it came to the Jewish people (do you think the pool’s limited today?). In a world of idol worshipers, what common values could be found that really mattered? Shared love of sheep herding?

      When Eliezer arrived in Charan, he employed a plan that’s probably a little different than what we try today. He made a deal with G-d. Upon arriving by the town’s well, Eliezer said, “I’ll tell You what G-d.  Please do a favor for my master, Avraham. I’ll ask for a drink from a young lady filling her bucket, and if she says, ‘drink and I’ll also water your camels,’ that will be the sign that she’s the one for Yitzchak.”

      Although Eliezer’s intentions were good, the Talmud, not surprisingly, is critical of his method (see Tractate Ta’anis 4a). Just because somebody waters your camels is no reason to marry them. Maybe that’d be cause enough to hire them to look after your livestock, but marriage has myriad more components and demands. Many qualities of a prospective match must be considered before deciding this is the one.

      Yet, G-d did not punish Eliezer for employing a flawed search process. On the contrary, G-d arranged that Rivkah immediately appear before Eliezer and accede to his request and then some. A match made in heaven was finally connected down on earth and the rest is history.

      Our history.

      But why did G-d help out Eliezer when he seemed to be acting in a very careless manner?

      The commentaries answer that since Eliezer’s request made some sense, G-d went along with him on it (see Ein Yaakov). Only a very special girl would agree not only to offer water to a stranger, but would, of her own accord, proffer water to all of his camels as well. Do you know how much camels drink? Well, I don’t either, but I do know that it’s a lot. Plus, young Rivkah had to draw all that water herself.

      Truth is, when we consider it, Eliezer’s test was more on the mark than it first seemed. Eliezer’s experiment was designed to uncover a true ba’alas chesed, a master of giving kindness. By stepping forth and offering to fulfill all the needs of a total stranger and his sizable caravan, Rivkah proved that she was purely a giver at heart. And being a giver at heart is the most important quality needed to succeed at marriage and raising a family.

     Eliezer understood that giving is a midah—a trait of character. Giving is not just a means to an end that can be turned on or off when needed; it is not just a tactic. Rather, giving is an attitude, a state of mind that says I want to emulate my Creator. Just as G-d created me and gave me my soul, my body, and all the things in the world that support me, so too, I want to give to others as much as I can.

      A woman who gives whatever she can to help strangers contains in her a special potential to give to her husband and children whatever they’ll need as well. People who truly desire to give will always try to contribute in every situation whatever’s missing, even if it’s not something they personally find valuable or interesting. They’ll do it because it’s needed and they want to give. A giver will always give what’s needed.

      Eliezer knew that even if Rivkah would not possess all the qualities that Yitzchak was seeking, if she was a giver, she’d find those qualities in herself in order to make her marriage work. What husbands and wives need most to succeed at marriage and parenting is the drive to give. Not the drive to take.

      Searching for a spouse really wasn’t so different way back when—beneath the surface. So many qualities, which shine and glitter, are not as important as one that cannot be seen—a drive to give. It’s what we should be looking for in marriage today—in our partners—and in ourselves.

      Good Shabbos!